• There’s actually no “perfect” amount of sleep set by scientists. Start by sleeping 24 hours a day for a week, and then 23 hours a day the following week and so on until you’ve found what’s right for you.
• If you run into a neighbor while buying bed linens and they are buying a more expensive brand-casually mention how you plan to use your sheets for a sailboat that you are building.
• Try and enroll in as many sleep studies as possible. You haven’t really slept until you’ve spent a night being observed by Western Michigan grad students.
• If you dream about a movie that is currently in theaters, do the right thing and send the studio a check- otherwise, that’s stealing.
• Sleeping can leave you vulnerable to attacks and robberies, keep a loaded pistol next to your alarm clock for safety sake.
• How do you know that this article isn’t a dream? You don’t. But it isn’t. Or is it?
• Trouble getting to sleep? Experts recommend a nice warm glass of fortified wine right before bed.
• Don’t let the bed industry fool you. Eight hours of sleep in a urine-soaked gas station bathroom is the same as eight hours on a fancy mattress.
• Pajamas are a must. So is a nightcap and one of those candle holder things.
• There is such a thing as too much sleep. If you wake up to find that you have grown a long, flowing white beard and your once youthful appearance has grown sallow and gray- it may be time to get an alarm clock.
• Naps are a condensed version of sleep, so get smaller everything: pajamas, bed, the works.
• A good mid-priced memory foam conforms to your body position and offers support. More expensive memory foam remembers everything. Everything.
• Sleeping on an airplane is something else, am I right people? I got this guy next to me yakking about god-knows and the pilot keeps telling us we’re experiencing a “little” turbulence.
• The word “sleep” may be used by criminal elements. If you hear that word and you aren’t sure of the context, make a citizen’s arrest and let the police sort it out.
• Coffee down the mouth wakes you up, so it stands to reason that tea up the butt puts you to bed.
• If you worry about comas, dial 911 and schedule a courtesy wake-up service.

A lot of people have questions about dogs, like: “hey, Steve, what are dogs afraid of?” and “stay away from my family!” So I am here to help you, the common dog owner, with some tips to raising a healthy, wealthy and polite dog.

*From Goofs section of MLD’s IMDb entry: “When Sarah is surfing the internet, there are no cables connected to her iBook, so she should be using an airport wifi connection. But on the next scene, when we see a close up of the menu bar, the airport wifi icon shows the airport connection turned off.” (ed note: !)